Click on the link for my latest article for Ipswich Town fanzine website TWTD.
http://www.clubfanzine.com/ipswich_town/showNews.php?id=9124
You just write a few jokes about God and then there's an earthquake.......
Thursday 28 February 2008
Wednesday 20 February 2008
Blind Fate
Below is the beginning of a short story I have written for my creative writing class. We were set the task of introducing a very small nervous man to a woman who could barely speak any English. The setting was a blind date.......
Blind Fate
This was definitely going to be the last time that Valerie used the agency. She had forgiven them for the date they had arranged with Harvey, 36 with a foot fetish. He had been arrested on their first date by six armed police officers at Colchester Zoo after his children had found their mum in the garage freezer and her toes in the boot of the family Mondeo.
Then there had been Salad Cream Steve, Valerie’s stomach still turned at the memories.
Tonight they had promised her tall, dark and handsome but the man stood at the far end of the bar was just small, bald and lonesome. At only 3 foot 5 inches tall, and wearing a red jumper and yellow trousers Valerie hadn’t got her promise of Rupert Everett, the agency had sent her Rupert the Bear.
“He- he- hello, I’m Dennis” said the little bear-man holding out a sweaty paw he had just wiped on his trousers.
“Good evening” Valerie replied and took a seat on the stool he offered her at the bar.
Dennis struggled for a few moments to climb back onto his stool before being helped up by a passing glass collector. Their awkward silence was broken by music being put on the jukebox and Dennis took the opportunity to pour Valerie some red wine.
“Yo- yo- you, you like music?” Dennis ventured before swallowing hard.
“Yes. Music I like” Valerie replied, regretting that her English was still very limited.
It had been six months since Valerie had moved to England and despite her slow progress she was keen to learn the language. She imagined a relationship to be the perfect opportunity for some free tutoring and perhaps a bit of fun on the side.
For Dennis, whilst he was bewitched by Valerie’s beautiful bronze skin, deep brown eyes and very, very long legs, her presence reminded him of an unfortunate incident he had tried long and hard to forget.
Although a huge admirer of the culture and sophistication of the French the closest Dennis had ever got to their country was when a group of disobedient sixth formers had stuffed him into a suitcase on their day trip to Calais. Fortunately, Customs officers uncovered a squashed, breathless but otherwise unharmed Dennis at Dover and returned him safely home. He left his teaching position a week later.
Now perched opposite the breathtaking Valerie, Dennis decided the best history he could draw on was the French O level he had obtained during his own schooling.
“I- I- I like music too.” He started.
"J’aime les garcons de la plage”
Valerie’s eyebrows reached for the sky.
“You like small boys on ze beach?”
“Oh oh no, no, I like the Beach Boys” Dennis replied.
“I was trying to translate”.
A barman, who had been listening, turned his laughter into a cough and busied himself by wiping an already spotless section of the bar with a beer towel.
(to be continued)
Blind Fate
This was definitely going to be the last time that Valerie used the agency. She had forgiven them for the date they had arranged with Harvey, 36 with a foot fetish. He had been arrested on their first date by six armed police officers at Colchester Zoo after his children had found their mum in the garage freezer and her toes in the boot of the family Mondeo.
Then there had been Salad Cream Steve, Valerie’s stomach still turned at the memories.
Tonight they had promised her tall, dark and handsome but the man stood at the far end of the bar was just small, bald and lonesome. At only 3 foot 5 inches tall, and wearing a red jumper and yellow trousers Valerie hadn’t got her promise of Rupert Everett, the agency had sent her Rupert the Bear.
“He- he- hello, I’m Dennis” said the little bear-man holding out a sweaty paw he had just wiped on his trousers.
“Good evening” Valerie replied and took a seat on the stool he offered her at the bar.
Dennis struggled for a few moments to climb back onto his stool before being helped up by a passing glass collector. Their awkward silence was broken by music being put on the jukebox and Dennis took the opportunity to pour Valerie some red wine.
“Yo- yo- you, you like music?” Dennis ventured before swallowing hard.
“Yes. Music I like” Valerie replied, regretting that her English was still very limited.
It had been six months since Valerie had moved to England and despite her slow progress she was keen to learn the language. She imagined a relationship to be the perfect opportunity for some free tutoring and perhaps a bit of fun on the side.
For Dennis, whilst he was bewitched by Valerie’s beautiful bronze skin, deep brown eyes and very, very long legs, her presence reminded him of an unfortunate incident he had tried long and hard to forget.
Although a huge admirer of the culture and sophistication of the French the closest Dennis had ever got to their country was when a group of disobedient sixth formers had stuffed him into a suitcase on their day trip to Calais. Fortunately, Customs officers uncovered a squashed, breathless but otherwise unharmed Dennis at Dover and returned him safely home. He left his teaching position a week later.
Now perched opposite the breathtaking Valerie, Dennis decided the best history he could draw on was the French O level he had obtained during his own schooling.
“I- I- I like music too.” He started.
"J’aime les garcons de la plage”
Valerie’s eyebrows reached for the sky.
“You like small boys on ze beach?”
“Oh oh no, no, I like the Beach Boys” Dennis replied.
“I was trying to translate”.
A barman, who had been listening, turned his laughter into a cough and busied himself by wiping an already spotless section of the bar with a beer towel.
(to be continued)
Monday 11 February 2008
Glad All Over
The latest TWTD article goes down well with the Crystal Palace fans.
http://www.clubfanzine.com/ipswich_town/showNews.php?id=8618
Everyone loves a fairy tale.......
http://www.cpfc.org/forums/showthread.php?s=8566c65ef4d8d65b03769fb54d8b93aa&threadid=165710
and.......
http://www.holmesdale.net/page.php?id=106&tid=75609
http://www.clubfanzine.com/ipswich_town/showNews.php?id=8618
Everyone loves a fairy tale.......
http://www.cpfc.org/forums/showthread.php?s=8566c65ef4d8d65b03769fb54d8b93aa&threadid=165710
and.......
http://www.holmesdale.net/page.php?id=106&tid=75609
Friday 1 February 2008
Latest TWTD article
Here's my latest piece for Ipswich Town fanzine Those Were The Days.
http://www.clubfanzine.com/ipswich_town/showNews.php?id=8265
http://www.clubfanzine.com/ipswich_town/showNews.php?id=8265
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